My Dad is All Up In The News' Shit

So as some of you have noticed, my dad has been all over the news over the last few days because of a "controversy" in which my pediatrician padre resigned from his post as director of gloucester high's medical clinic after the local hospital refused to administer birth control for the clinic to distribute. basically, the high school has had 17 (!!!) pregnancies in one year and the other safe sex programs are not working, so my father wanted to distribute birth control from the school's clinic to help. After a bunch of bureaucratic bullshit, the hospital refused to provide supplies for this program. This was the first time in history that a hospital refused to offer birth control for a school clinic, and the situation is so rediculous that my father and his nurse practitioner resigned in protest. Many suspect that this refusal is because of the overly conservative/religious/illogical hospital director's personal agenda because she does not believe that birth control is morally right so has decided to take the lives of thousands of female students into her own corrupt hands. As a cover, the hospital claims that they do not support the program because birth control is a "health risk", but this health risk has not been a serious issue for teens for many years (it still is for older women) and as many of our healthy readers can attribute this is an outdated and over-exaggerated reason that is a facade for other motives. now the newsmedia is all up in my dad's shit(although Dr. Brian Orr did spurn The Today Show (!) because they tried to trick him into debating some regularly appearing conservative talking head by telling him last minute that there would be a debate not just a presenting of the facts), doing their part to ensure that enough people know just the right amount about the topic to debate it based on their preconceived mindsets without actually caring to learn the facts Either way, here are some clips/newsreports about my dad sounding smart:

NECN

Boston Herald

WBZ TV

the argument presented here (Conservative bullshit) and on many other conservative outlets absolutely enrages me (check my post on the person above's blog to see my beautiful rebuttal to the person's ignorant rant). people do not understand that it is against Massachusetts state law for a doctor to tell parents that their daughter is asking for birth control if she has asked for confidentiality. conservatives threaten that they would kill a doctor who gave their daughter contraceptives without their permission (quote from blog responses to the story), but it is not the doctors' decision to do so, as they could be put in jail if they told parents. the warping of the issue is so obvious here, as the discussion is not about giving the contraceptives, but about stopping the pregnancies. It is retarded that people who do not research or investigate the truth at all think they have the right to criticize doctors simply based on bullshit conservative vs. liberal biases for following the law and not telling parents when it is the legal thing to do.

also, the media is disgusting and have been hounding out house, calling a few times a day. My dad resigned an within a day the media ticks were on our nuts, and at first it was good, since local media tends to be more concerned with the story and help get the issue out to many people, but soon organizations that obviously didnt care for shit but ratings started calling seeing if they could rip off a hunk of meat from the latest cash cow. here is a google search of "Brian Orr Gloucester Birth Control- SO MANY LINKS.

NATIONAL MEDIA WHORES GO AWAY AND LET THE ISSUE BE SOLVED WITHOUT YOUR IGNORANT AND CORRUPTING INFLUENCE

Mr Bill- fuck it - O'reilly himself asked doctor orr to be on his show tomorrow, but my dad told him to fuck himself because he knew that oreilly would turn the debate into a senseless and ill informed shouting match that would be geared towards ratings rather than staying true to the real issues and the facts that no one seems to care to get right. plus my dad has never been on national tv before so he probably would have looked like an idiot despite rocking the bald head to the max.

AS YOU CAN TELL I AM DISHEARTENED AND I AM INFURIATED BY THIS FIRST-HAND EXPERIENCE IN WILLFUL PUBLIC STUPIDITY
and also capital letters are helpful for retarding rage


scroll down more for new stuff- blog has been mad busy lately and b lee threw on some cool videos and i posted a bunch of good songs for you to peep.
this is drunk and tired smears, signing out

Right Round

Here is a cool video I found. Please comment/ enjoy.


Displacements - Michael Naimark from today and tomorrow on Vimeo.

Heady

I've seen this video around on a couple blogs and thought that I would post it here. The track was created by an Aussie (big up yaself Down Under) guy using audio sampled from the LSD inspired Disney classic Alice in Wonderland (if you couldn't tell). The effect is hypnotic and laid back, perfect for the humid summer nights. I particularly like the vocal sample which resides just on the unintelligible side of ambiguity and has a Rorschach effect on the listener by allowing them to read their own meaning into the sounds.




EDIT: Ria(and others), you can get the mp3 here

Old/New Kanye West Song

Sorry the blog has been so slow lately, been super busy at home.

Anyways, as some of you may have heard from me, Kanye's song homecoming uses verses he had in another song I heard way back when. Anyways, here for your listening pleasure is Kanye's ORIGINAL song.

Kanye West- Home

I like it just as much I think, mostly because it annoys me that Kanye's sentence is cut in half in the Chris Martin version.


Also, check out these other super sweet joints I found to blast in your car. seriously they are all so good (if the links don't work first time just refresh, and to download just click on the link).

Audiobytes for Autobots- Hit It

Busta Rhymes- Don't Touch Me (remix)

Kanye West- Fly Away (unreleased song)(ye's verse is sick)

Wale- W.A.L.E.D.A.N.C.E.

enjoy these summer jams

This guy LOVES cars

Jim in 20 years

so he treats the cars as if they are his girlfriend, writing poetry about cars and singing to them and hugging them. Not only does he date cars, but he is a PLAYAAA, owning three other cars and sometimes hooking up with cars at showrooms. i do not want to get into the logistics of what "hooking up" with a car entails (well no, i do. my best guess is tail pipe or gas pump but maybe he just humps the shit out of the bumper), but i am assuming it is a terrible terrible thing to witness. one question- does this make the movie Herbie Fully Loaded kiddie porn for this guy? if so, please arrest him. and if not, please arrest him.

two "worsts"

there is not really anything i can add to these because they are just too funny on their own.

Worst music video ever:



how awful are the dancers. they are completely unsynchronized. my favorite part is when they are trying to do that spinning thing at 1:35 and then go off center but the one girl keeps desperately sticking her head back into the shot. so funny

Worst trailer/movie ever:



Annie, I'm gay! I already told you that!
Well Ben, I will just be gay too and then it will be alright for us to get married again!

both of these gems are thanks to mr. chables.

OUT OF CONTROL SHIT

i do not know what to say

There Will Be Bud

If you've seen the move it is a lot funnier, but this is still a damn funny clip that is a pitch perfect parody of the original movie. Enjoy.




EDIT: Here is the trailer for the original movie if you haven't seen it.

Science is whack (and awful pun's are great!)

This is a pretty hilarious science experiment.



wow! look at those sweet poses and his super-cool gelled hair (pause with 5:04 left to get the full effect of his awesomeness)! they obviously picked this guy because he is the epitome of manliness, or maybe they too just wanted to smack him in the balls so they created an experiment to validate it.

seriously, i do not know why on earth the guy signed up for this. i cannot think of any price at which i would allow someone to shoot a tennis ball directly into my manhood. i bet it sure would be zany and entertaining if someone bartered with me until i gave in. great balls of fire! get FOX on the phone, i have found them their next big hit-we shall call it Money Lust Ball Bust and it will air between Don't Forget the Lyrics and The Moment of Truth.

on a side note: OH MY GOD THOSE ARE REAL SHOWS

The Education Continues

Your brave audionaut surfaces from the inky abyss of finals for a breath of fresh air and the opportunity to send you these dispatches from the musical frontier. Two are insanely catchy new bangers and the third is almost too heady for my little heart to bear("I don't see justice, but I believe in it, brah"). Together they form the seed for a perfect sunny afternoon and its accompanying grimy night. Enjoy.

Yuah Turks- Diamonds

Stand By Me (Chew Fu ft Steve Clisby Big Room Fix)-Ben King

Burn One Down-Ben Harper

this made me laugh so hard

the monkey is the best part. the way he holds his head in the morning because he is hungover just cracks me up. and notice the drunken hookup at 2:05, beer goggles work their magic no matter the victim

A few things of interest

monroe took some time out of his busy schedule of chopping trees and cutting off fish heads to share with us this wonderful article (how did canadians find out about computers??? this is bull!):

Oh, the innocence of youth (and hookers)

the kids' alibi was that they won a world of warcraft tournament. i do not know how such a tournament works, so i am assuming the skeezy security guard at the crappy motel you brought hookers to would not either. also, it does not matter where you got the money, the fact remains that YOU ARE 13 and therefore NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE HOOKERS. This is america, not las vegas.

Let's be honest though, I think verc jim and bryce and i would end up doing the same thing if we suddenly had thousands of dollars.
"we could go to the carribean! or buy the carribean!"
"Orrrr we could play halo! new maps and it's double exp weekend"

hookers have to put up with so much shit, dealing with drunk/drugged up assholes, absolute creeps who may or may not choose to kill them, and politicians all in the same night , but i truly think the one thing that they could not handle would be being forced to watch halo. most girls see halo and react the way i would if i was forced to watch that new sex in the city movie, meaning they say "fuck this" and leave.
Men and women! They're so different! One likes video games, the other likes movies! It's crazy!

even though his hookers and xbox got taken away, don't feel bad for the kid. his dad's taking him to disneyworld to make up for it, presumably to see if they can pay cinderella for sex and halo.

also, here's a few hilarious videos. many of you have seen these but none of you will make it through both without laughing





ps that shoe lifts advertisement at the end is so random. seriously world, leave me alone, i am comfortable with my height.

Your Musical Education

In celebration of the end of the year and the arrival of summer I have decided to kick of my weekly musical offering. Both of these songs are Grade-A bangers in the high 725 style. Blast them all summer in the lonely moments when you miss ole Bee Lee and spread the gospel of good music to one and all.

Mad Again (Diplo Remix)- South Rakkas Crew

My Drink and My Two Step(Cousin Cole Remix)-Cassidy

No time for comments but awesome video

so good. dance REMIX of bill O'reilly losing his shit (more than usual)

ORIGINAL NON-remix

This is what I imagine the Internet's throw up looks like:

I can't tell if I like this or hate it so very much:



some sample words of wisdom from the always brilliant youtube comments section:

SilverGuardX (1 month ago)- the second cake is a dalek

ME- who the fuck cares? are you proud that you know this fact? It's even worse that someone responded to this "no shit shirlock," as if SilverGuardX's comment is unnecessary not because of how pretentious it is but because it's pointing out the obvious.

Danyukhin (1 month ago) - The cat is a lie. And it was just cut. I told them to wait for you but they didn't listen...

ME- what the hell does that even mean??? this does not make sense in response to any video ever made. or perhaps this is poetry too deep for me to ever comprehend.

mollycoopoooo (2 months ago)- I like pi!!! yea! Happy 3.14!

ME- jesus christ. excessive exclamation points? yup. terrible math joke? yeah, there's that too. at least people probably made fun of this person for such a terrible comment, right? nope- it has +3 thumbs up. GODDAMN YOU INTERNET

Smears' Song of the Week #1

Each week (and maybe even more often depending on how much music I am listening to) I am going to toss a song I am currently rocking out to on here, and you can then proceed to preview it and download at your leisure.  Hopefully once we get better skillz we can figure out how to have the preview on the page, but until then use the link.  enjoy the first of many:


B.O.B(Featuring Amy Winehouse) - Grip Your Body

JTam, facebook creep extraordinaire, brings you a breaking news story

Check this out before facebook fixes the glitch (unless they did it on purpose)

If you go to facebook and click in the "search" tab and just press the down arrow key (on your keyboard...) instead of typing anything in, a list of 5 names appears, presumably the 5 people who view your page the most (presumably to ogle at your pictures or memorize your interests and wall-to-walls for use in future conversations). It only includes these 5 people, so it seems like this is something done on purpose and that these names have been selected for a reason. It's reasonable to conclude that these names are either the top 5 you search or the top 5 that search for you, and the latter made more sense to me when I tested this out and found my 5. my top five ill keep confidential, but they are reasonable choices (I will admit that James, you are my number one and I don't know whether to be embarrassed or proud about this. Also, Casey Bartlett= #2 and Mary Curtin= #4)

if this really works, this is a goddamn wet dream come true for the hordes of facebook creeps out there (CHRIS VERC I'M LOOKING AT YOU)

check it out and let us know in the comments whether it worked for you and made sense. who are your top 5 stalkers?

(thanks to Julia for the heads up)

UPDATE:
Unfortunately for all of you hoping to discover any secret crushes and fortunately for those who abuse facebook to creep on hot strangers, it seems that facebook has disabled this feature. I understand why though, since facebook makes its money by allowing people to be anonymous and unchatchable stalkers, so the number of people using facebook would immediately dwindle once people realized their efforts could be traced as users would go back to their telescopes and hiding spots in bushes outside of people's houses instead. It's amazing how fast that feature was shut down though, within literally an hour of when I posted about it, so I think this has now finally proven that Mark Z is a very talented stalker himself. Oh well, it was fun for us who siezed the chance to finally prove that capozzi shamelessly memorizes every aspect of our facebooks.

UPDATE #2:

As Julia diligently reported in the comments section (see her wonderful analysis for more details), all you have to do is press space bar and THEN the down button and the five still come up.  stalkers commence thine fine artistry!

If I was an Indian teen I would sure as hell listen up

This video is amazing all around.  The jumbled english subtitles alone are enough to make me crack up, but combined with the colored condoms choreographed dancing and how happy the song sounds even though it is talking about possible STI infections just makes the video a gem.  

Some sample quotes: 

"Many men and women have discarded (Unsatisfied) me"

"Oh! My! Look out, you can get HIV/AIDS"

"I am the condom friend ever useful to you"

It's beautiful lyricism, really.  

HIllary's Downfall

Some people hate Hillary more than I do (evidence below) and some of those people are so hilariously offensive that I have to post their videos here. This video has some great little subtle jokes and some brazen shit talking all rolled into one hilarious variation of the "Downfall" video. I hope that in posting this I can do my part to foster civility during the election process.

Julez Tamzies is lol

James took it upon himself to publicly call out Julia for liking Lolz Catz.  Notice how "oranges" is spelled so delightfully wrong that the photo could actually make its way onto http://icanhascheezburger.com/ (I refuse to link to this site- this way I cannot be held responsible if you choose to copy and paste and then proceed to commit "sooizide")

We have already let Julia Tam get away with saying "obs" and "maz" in everyday life, so we must stop her transformation into a lolz cat afficionato immediately or she will be saying LOLZ before we know it.  James you have done a commendable thing, and hopefully we can get her into rehab immediately.

On a related note:

Julia is holding two oranges in that picture.... coincidence?

Couldn't Have Chosen Sam Adams?

Although this is not so much a stain on the always bib-less internet's already filthy shirt as it is a critique on the state of humanity, I thought it was still worth mentioning:

Pabst Casket

Pabst is a beer that is arguably considered on par with other "prize winners" like Keystone (1st place for worst beer shits) and Busch Light (most dirt per can) so making a Pabst-themed casket to symbolize who you were in life is one of the most depressing things I have seen, besides his wife's which is Franzia themed.  At least it will match the gravestone that he bought from Walmart.

Maybe it's a defense strategy; he is hoping that worms will see the Pabst blue ribbon and move on to more cultured-looking ones nearby- but we all know the teenage worms will just go for it anyways

Props to Mr. Chables for the link

People don't understand how money works... at all

wow. It's pretty amazing that I came across these two stories within a few minutes of eachother.
 
Norway Money Scam

Someone has absolutely no conception of how checks work

It's not every day that you read a news story that even the sensationalistic media cannot take seriously.  I half expect to turn on the tv tonight and hear "Are Americans Losing Their Cents?? How the overuse of internet transactions is making people forget what money looks like (don't worry, it's still green) and what you can do to stop this crisis (board up windows and stock up on canned goods). An ABC News investigative report featuring Dr. Phil tonight at 7,"

Luckily, these two stories are so shockingly amazing that even journalists just have to stand back and laugh their asses off.

The Apocolypse

These are the most impressive photos that I have seen in a while. They were taken in Chile when an electrical storm breaks out during the eruption of the Chaiten volcano and are mesmerizing.








Source: BLDG BLOG

Away we go

They say that necessity is the mother of invention, and that may be so, but recent experience has convinced me that procrastination is its abusive father. Thus I find myself drafting a witty (comment below, please) first post for what will hopefully become an exciting endeavor instead of learning about the the ins ands outs of post-independence Africa. I'm sure, however, that there is a way that this blog can be spun into 6 or so credits with the blink of an eye(Journalism 523: Reflection in the Post-Information Era?) so that as Smears and I sit side by side at our matching computers the coming weeks of finals seem like only the merest hint of a storm. It is my humble wish that this blog will be a source of pleasure for all who pass by, or at the very least a hilarious exercise in inside-joke improvisation. Welcome and cheers!

Weekly Pat Smear #1

So the weekly pat smear is where I find something on the internet that blatantly has no right to exist and then post it for you to "enjoy" (although there is probably enough terrible terrible material on the web for a post every hour).  Here is the first installment (it's not 2 girls 1 cup i promise):

Batman sings latin sing-along: Dear Lord

If you watch that 10 times, your brain will explode. on the plus side, that means you don't have to worry about final exams, or the looming oil crisis, or the terrible truth that such a creation exists, or the fact that our president has watched this video on a loop for the last 20 years. in fact, maybe i will just sit back and let the retardation process work its magic...

original: