The Thesaurus

This is an extremely useful thesaurus James and I wrote for the girls from our hometown for their xmas gift. anyone who has met julia, grace, ricker, or any of the other hoodlums that come to umass every weekend knows that they speak a different language when together, so i thought this would be useful for enhancing communication in future encounters at 53 meadow street. They've all received their gifts so here is the Thesaurus for all to read in electronic format.

Although this is kind of stacked with inside jokes, it should be entertaining no matter what. Here are some definitions to aid those who are less familiar with the ladies: Vicky's- Victoria's Secret, Sparkles- Alyssa's pet name for her mom, goldfished- ate a lot of food, Don's- Mcdonalds,

Let's get into it then...

Editors Patrick Orr and James McGahey Present:

Gurl, This Thesaurus is ssssooo MAZ


Dedicated to our female friends, with whom we’ve shared great memories.

(Read on after the break by clicking "Read More")



Entry 1:
Maz adj. imaginatively derived from the English root, Amazing

How you think you sound: Like a “maz” fashion model on the Tyra Banks Show
How you really sound: Like a 12-year-old who just discovered abbreviations on the way to Hannah Montana on Ice, or the 9:00 showing of Twilight (catching the early showing because your dad has to pick you up at 10)

Use 1: To describe a good time, as in:
Wow that episode of John and Kate Plus 8 was so maz!

Colloquial Alternatives: Amazing, Awesome, (Really) Good, Neat, Great
Formal Alternatives: Extravagant, Brilliant, Fantastic, Prodigious, Marvelous, Exceptional, Phenomenal, Well-crafted, Triumphantly organized
Acceptable example: Tonight’s programming lineup on C-SPAN was triumphantly organized.


Use 2: To describe an article of clothing, as in:
Wow girl, those Vicky’s slippers are maz!

Colloquial Alternatives: Fancy, Nice, Pretty, Beautiful, Gorgeous, Precious
Formal Alternatives: Chic, Elegant, Stylish, Modish, Impressively Adorned, Lavish, Eliciting of high praise
Acceptable example: My oh my, your torso coverings are eliciting of high praises!



Entry 2:
Miz adj. imaginatively derived from the English root, Miserable

How you think you sound: Like a swanky Parisian describing a homeless person, as in: Wow, his coat is miz!
How you really sound: Like that same homeless person, drunk off of a 40 he bought with spare change, trying to describe his life, as in: My ejjucation is miz!


Use 1: To describe unfavorable circumstances, as in:
Girl 1: I have to babysit on New Year’s instead of going to Montreal with all my friends.
Girl 2: Eww, that’s miz!!

Colloquial Alternatives: Stinky, Terrible, Poopy, BS, Miserable, Hogswallop, Unfair, F*#%ed Up
Formal Alternatives: Dire, Unfortunate, Excruciatingly lamentable, Unbearable, Inexcusable, Intolerable, Mournful, Distressingly inconvenient, Utterly macabre
Acceptable example:
Girl 1: While a trip to Montreal, Quebec for the merriments of the First Night 2009 would be exquisite, unfortunately a family has chartered me to provide parental assistance in exchange for US currency on that very evening.
Girl 2: Goodness me, that is a distressingly inconvenient predicament.


Use 2: To describe a person, or thing that one dislikes, as in:
I wanted to meet you gurls at North Bev Roast Beef, but I had to eat at home. Sparkles was being miz!

Colloquial Alternatives: Annoying, Stupid, A pain in the patoot, Obnoxious, A jerk, A meanie
Formal Alternatives: Parasitic, Insufferable, Unremittingly deplorable, Ignominious, Despicable, Fervently reprehensible, Preposterous, Vexing
Acceptable example: I very much desired to convene with you at said Northern Beverly’s Roast Beef eatery for the aforementioned chicken kabob pita, but my matriarchal figure was in an unremittingly deplorable state.


Use 3: To describe one’s current emotional state, as in:
I just goldfished so much Don’s and now I feel miz!

Colloquial Alternatives: Full, Sick, Fat, Slow, Lazy, Gross, Uncomfortable
Formal Alternatives: Sluggish, Lethargic, Immobile, Digestively distressed, Rather bloated, In a tizzy
Acceptable example: I recently partook of an excessive amount of victuals and my abdominals are in a tizzy.


Entry 3:
Mere; Merely adj/adv. Stolen from the English root, mere

How you think you sound: Like a hipster with an inventive vocabulary.
How you really sound: Dumb.

Use: To command emphasis on a specific aspect of an exclamation and inject humor to a sentence otherwise considered normal, often coupled with ‘maz’ or ‘miz’, as in:
Julez, your mere boobs, they’re maz! Or, Ricker, you are merely raping me right now and it’s miz!
Colloquial Alternative: Friggin, Freakin

Editors’ note: After much study of the origins of mere, there is no reasonable evidence of necessity for such excessive and redundant emphasis. Any civil being would refrain from using this sentence structure, as it is indicative of harlots and vapid harridans. Therefore, the only acceptable alternative is to reject its use and embrace descriptors elucidating more meaning and imagery. For example: Julia, I have noticed that your breasts are plump and luscious, and I adore them, or Ricer, you're excessive physical contact is unwarranted and quite uncomfortable.



Entry 4:
Gurl n. Imaginatively derived from the English root, girl

How you think you sound: Like a Lindsay Lohan/Mary Kate Olsen super-queen.
How you really sound: Like a cougar at the local T.G.I Friday’s bar trying relive her glory days of Sex and the City like antics with her menopausal yet oddly tan geriatrics; the “city” of course being Lynn, and the “sex” taking place in the bathroom at Tabu (on Route 1 next to Boston Market).

Use 1: To command another’s attention, as in:
Gurl, wouldn’t it be maz if Verc was black? (direct quote)

Colloquial Alternatives: Hey, Yo, Listen
Formal Alternatives: Excuse me, Pardon, Misses, May I have a chance to command your attention, Would you care to engage with me, Perchance you could direct your careful consideration to my thoughts.
Acceptable example: Would you care to engage with me? You would? Well then, I shall commence with the introduction of my tale.


Use 2: A reaction to convey appreciation, as in:
Girl 1: Ricker is making out with a mere black man in the bathroom.
Girl 2: Gurl!

Colloquial Alternatives: No way, Awesome, Sick, Wow, Holy Moly, Snap, Oh shit, Seriously?
Formal Alternatives: Extraordinary, How about that, Wondrous news, Enticing information, You don’t say, Well I never!
Acceptable example:
Girl 1: Miss Laura Ricker is presently engaging in sexual relations with a gentleman of African-American descent in the washroom.
Girl 2: How about that!


Use 3: Personal pronoun used as a term of endearment, as in:
When are the gurls coming?

Colloquial Alternatives: Girls, Ladies, Bitches, Hoes, Friends, Sisters
Formal Alternatives:Female acquaintances, Compatriots of a shared gender, Comrades, Queens, Esteemed vixens, Guests possessing a vaginal entry point
Acceptable example: " When can we expect the guests possessing a vaginal entry point to join us?"


Editors’ Note: The various uses of Gurl are often combined in an average conversation that is impenetrable to an outside observer, as in:
Girl 1: Gurl?
Girl 2: Gurlllll
Girl 1: Gurll!
Girl 2: OK, that’s maz.*

*Stop doing that.



Afterword:
Be sure to house this handy guide in your purse or back pocket in the event that you cross paths with an esteemed gentleman that has never set foot in the town of Hamilton/Wenham. If you forget our teachings and utter these atrocious words around said gentleman, he will give you a disdainful look, in his mind immediately categorizing you as a floozy. A quick retreat to the annals of this pamphlet can win you back his favor, though you may also need to accompany him to the washroom to seal the deal. Should you choose to ignore the guidance that your dutiful grammarians have so selflessly imparted, please remember one final lesson: thesaurus writers do not make much money so, gurls, we are open to other maz forms of mere “payment.” Or, as we would say: It would be fine and dandy if you esteemed vixens would contrive to compensate your ingenious wordsmiths with bestial and wanton acts should you not possess the means to provide economical restitution for their labor.

Meeting My Blackout Self

This is so ridiculous I just had to write it down right away.

Ok, so last night was an innocuous Friday at Babson; beers were killed, rum was pounded, and 151 was the nightcap. The parties were beyond terrible. One place we went to had three bros, two of whom were wearing the exact same American Eagle white polo, who were talking about all the people they wanted to fuck up. I assume the night ended with them just fucking each other instead.



Johnny Appleseed’s friend from home is a freshman at Babson and was hanging out with us. She is pretty cool, but this was basically the first time we all actually hung out at night. We were planning on waking up early today to drink before the soccer team’s NCAA playoff game at 11, so she decided to just stay over so she could wake up and start drinking immediately with us.

As I mentioned earlier, 151 was our nightcap. That seemed really smart at the time, but even as I write it, I can’t get over how retarded and useless that is (maybe as much as the deep south rednecks that explained why they aren’t voting for Barrrrrrrack Hussein Obama in the earlier video). I ended up losing my dinner before bustling off to bed.

I awake a few hours later to the sound of urine spattering on the floor. Johnny’s friend is sitting in my chair.

Me: “What the fuck? Are you peeing?”
Her: “No.”

I am still pretty drunk and was just asleep, so I believe her.

Me: “So what’s up?”
Her: “Cash budgeting”
Me: “What?”
Her: “Cash budgeting was on the exam”
Me:”What the fuck are you talking about?”
Her: “But it doesn’t really matter, though. It’s Thursday night, we have the whole weekend ahead of us.”
Me: “You are hammered drunk. You need to go back to bed.”

I think that’s the first time I have ever had the presence of mind to be the one telling somebody else they are too drunk and need to go to bed. I have had it told to me pretty much biweekly, but this was the first time I uttered those words. Instead of leaving to go back to bed, she jumps into mine and immediately passes out. While I’m still in it. My bed is fucking tiny and I do not share it with anybody ever, but she was already asleep as soon as she hit the ridiculously soft mattress (yeah, I got that tempurpedic pad mothafucka). I decide that she will eventually wake up and realize she is in the wrong bed, so whatever. It eventually happens and she leaves, but again goes into the wrong room and another suitemate guides her to Johnny Appleseed’s couch. When I woke up this morning I turned on the light and took a gander at my chair. My jeans had been draped over it and there was a circle of urine on them. When I picked them up, I noticed that the entire top of the chair was covered in piss.

AAHHH. That is disgusting. However, I cannot get mad, seeing as I have done that to two different girls…and to myself once. So to sum up, I caught a glimpse of what it’s like to deal with me sometimes. It’s mindboggling. I don’t like it. And I will take no actions to correct it. The payback was long overdue, but I can’t complain. It’s still kind of bullshit that I had to face the reality of my actions even a little bit. Fuck you God.

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

You Belong


sooo this was the band that opened for gnarls barkely and we all thought the lead singer was really hot... turns out she is a tranny, so that's awkward. She's (it's?) the one in the video with the black hair, and unfortunately for us not the one with the chopped up spiky shit on her head that we assumed was the tranny when the truth slowly filtered out via small hints in google searches.

Guess which one is the tranny. Yeah, it's a cruel joke.

At least we didn't find out the truth on the spot; when I was in New Orleans one of my friends was talking about a hot girl he saw and as we walked by the sign "she" was standing under became more and more legible and clearly said "See it to Believe it!! Girls Prettier than Guys." Ouch. To be fair though, I made fun of him for that fiasco and now look what has happened. damn you karma!